While You Were Preparing to Spend the Night Watching Reba

• Denise Richards accuses Charlie Sheen of threatening her and putting their kids at risk with his porn and prostitution fetish. So she's just going to give up on what they have?
• Tom uses a decoy to smuggle Katie and baby Suri out of the hospital. Then uses it to take over the world.
• Lenny Kravitz is being sued over an overflowing toilet. It's full of sh*t.
• Page Six fires gossip scribes. But when you have a really practical skill, you can always find more work.
• Matthew McConaughey saved a kitten. That's the best his pr people could come up with after details of those false rape allegations?
• Tara Reid's nipple is back and it's badder than ever. Seriously, it's bad.

While You Were Trying To Sneak Out of Work Early

• MI3's J.J. Abrams is set to produce and direct the next Star Trek movie. Something about working with Tom Cruise got him in the mood for more aliens.
• Pete Doherty has been released on bail following yesterday's arrest for possession of Class-A drugs. Just to save time, let me be the first one to report this: Pete Doherty has been arrested again for possession of Class-A drugs.
• Nick Lachey re-enacts his split with Jessica in his new music video. But not for publicity, it's totally just a way to work things out in his head. Definitely not for publicity. Definitely not for publicity.
• Robin Williams is not gay. In fact, he tells GQ magazine that he's "a big fan of the puss. Always addicted to puss." Suddenly Mrs. Doubtfire just got a whole lot creepier.
• Pink says she's so in love her with her husband that he could pee in his hand and give it to her and she'd still think it was a masterpiece. It'd have to be if he was able to hand it to her, don't you think?
• 73% of people would not let their children play with Britney & Kevin's baby. The other 27%? Celebrities.

While You Were Working For the Weekend

• Bored with buying children from exotic countries, Angelina Jolie has decided to purchase an exotic country of her own, and presumably all the children in it.  First law: weird names and mohawks are mandatory!
• Austria is releasing an official postage stamp bearing the face of supermodel Naomi Campbell.  The image depicts Cambell standing triumphantly atop a vanquished assistant, holding a bloody cell phone to the sky.
• Police are looking for a con artist who also happens to be the brother of Eva Mendes.  Finally, I understand how she was able to con the whole world into thinking she's talented.
• According to their "official" website, The Smashing Pumpkins have "officially" reunited.  Too bad I "offically" stopped caring about 8 years ago.
• An actor who plays a terrorist hijacker in the 9/11 film United 93 was refused entry into the US to attend the film's premiere.  Apparently Homeland Security was concerned he might be a "method actor". 
• John Milton's epic poem Paradise Lost is going to be adapted into a film.  And across the nature, crusty old high school English teachers rejoice!

While You Were Verbally Assualting Your Co-Workers or Being Creative

• Lindsay Lohan gets an intervention from SNL cast. Not a show give advice on sobering up.
• Jessica Simpson is wearing her ring again. Marriage may be a sham, but the diamond's not.
• Bill Maher is a great lover according to video vixen. Fine but please don't make me picture it.
• K-fed is performing tracks off his new album in Vegas. Lets hope it stays in Vegas.
• Snoop Dogg is publishing his first fictional novel about a young man from Southern California  struggling to make it in  hip-hop. But first he'll have to learn what the word fiction means.
• Mick Jagger may star in a new sitcom on ABC. This could finally be his big break!

While You Were Counting Down The Minutes Til 4:20

• The long running feud between Fall Out Boy and The Killers is finally over. Wannabe punk kids and wannabe hipster kids can now once again walk the streets hand in hand... to get made fun of by wannabe hip hop kids.
• Language experts have concluded that there is no record of the name Suri meaning "princess" in Hebrew. Suri about that, Tom.
• Halle Berry used to dream of finding a pill that could turn her white when she was a child. AS expected, the dream always involved going through Michael Jackson's stuff.
• At his most recent court hearing, a judge ruled that Pete Doherty will be banned from driving a car for six months. Smoking crack and shooting heroin into his veins, though, is still totally cool.
• MySpace is streaming the new Streets album for free, while VH1 is streaming the new Goo Goo Dolls album. Congratulations to VH1 for getting behind a "hip" band to finally lose that whole "VH1 is for old people" image!
• Jesus Christ Superstar to be staged at the second largest Nazi concentration camp in Europe. I'm not touching that one with a ten foot pole (though if I did, the joke would probably begin with "I wonder what's playing at the largest...?)

While You Were Wishing You Could Be Outside In the Grass With the Hippies

• Attention gigantic NFL offensive linemen: you DO NOT approach American Idol runner-up Bo Bice in a bar without feeling the wrath of this long-haired redneck tough guy.
• Mariah Carey is the new forehead of Pepsi.
• If anyone has to drug and date rape women, it's Matthew McConaughey. 
• TVGasm travels to the future of Suri Cruise!
• Brad Pitt's bodyguard, Bruiser, was not kidding around when he said he'd "smash somebody to pieces" if they tried taking pictures.
• This Arrested Development poster is awesome.  Now that I think about it, David Cross DOES kind of look like C-3PO. 

While You Were Feeding Suri her Barley-Water Dinner

• Nick Lachey banned camera phones from his new sitcom, He Said, She Said for fear of being tabloid fodder. Cameras are fine though.
• American Idol makes people famous. And then makes them drunkards, just ask Paula.
• Pink has a tattoo designed to look like a help button. Clearly, it's broken.
• Paris Hilton is releasing her own line of mobile games. Or so she's been told by her handlers.
• Tabloid apologizes for saying Terri Hatcher has sex in a van, an accusation that angered the cautious single mom. In fact it was a mini-van.
• Jamie Lynn Sigler is hooking up with Ashley Olsen ex Scott Sartaino. But her next big challenge is Stavros.

While You Were Smoking A Stogie For Suri

• Michael Jackson will release an album in '07. You will be allowed to ironically enjoy it by '12.
• Mary J. Blige says God wants her to "bling", and to be the hottest thing this year. Proving once and for all that even though He may be your co-pilot, deep down The Man is a P.I.M.P.
• Sienna Miller has been receiving death threats. Insiders say police are baffled and are having a hard time trying to figure out why anybody would care about Sienna Miller.
• There are rumors that someone's leaving the OC. Someone besides millions of viewers, that is.
• Speaking of leaving, Eva Longoria is ready to leave Desperate Housewives... to become one.
• And finally, David Hasselhoff has revealed he had a "spiritual calling" to change peoples' lives for the better. In a related story, David Hasselhoff has announced that he will never release another album ever, ever again.

While You Were Having Post-Partum Depression

• Let's just get this all out of the way at once, shall we?  Yes, the Seventh Seal has been opened, and TomKat had their baby gir-lien.  Now we can move on to all the less important things...
• Britney Spears may sue the company that makes the high chair that her son Preston recently fell from.  Spears says she's confident that Judge Judy will see her side of the story. 
• MTV is developing a new project in which Paris Hilton will star. 
• Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson have brought their catfight to the casting couch, now competing to see who's acting skills are shi*ty enough to land them a role in the film adaptation of 80's soap opera Dallas. 
• Joe Rogan fires back at us with an angry missive on his message board!  He even called us a bad word!

While You Were Looking At Hot Scarlett Johansson Pics on Other Sites

• The Tampa Bay Devil Rays plan on making Will Ferrell's legendary "More Cowbell" SNL skit a staple on the videoboard at home games. The lowly Rays are hoping that this will make the crowd laugh with the team for once, as opposed to at them.
• Pretty soon you'll be able to watch 3-minute NBC shorts while pumping your gas. So at least spending $75 to fill up your PathFinder will be thoroughly entertaining and not the least bit aggrevating from this point out. Gas crisis averted!
• Jaime Foxx is here to save R&B. But ironically the only thing R&B needs to be saved from is Jaime Foxx.
• Tool announces North American club tour. Tools excited about the news.
• The line "One life, with each other, sisters, brothers" from U2's "One" topped a poll of favorite song lyrics. "I like girls who wear Abercrombie & Fitch, chinese food makes me sick" inconspicuously absent from list.
• Gilbert Gottfried has been named the unsexiest man in the world by the Boston Phoenix. I disagree. Clearly these guys have never f**ked Gilbert Gottfried.