Old, Old School

Man oh man, I feel like I say it a lot, but THIS is why YouTube was invented!  Over 10 years ago, before he made Road Trip, Old School or Starsky & Hutch, filmmaker Todd Phillips directed a controversial documentary called "FRAT HOUSE".  The film's rights were purchased by HBO, but due to legal and personal threats from its subjects, the movie was never officially released - until now.  It's up on YouTube in several chapters, and it's both hilarious and disturbing - hurry up and watch it before it gets pulled! (Language NSFW!)

CHAPTERS: One, two (missing), three, four, five, six, seven

Re-Makes Are the New Mash-Ups

Thanks to YouTube and a couple of gay cowboys, the movie trailer mash-up frenzy has completely jumped the shark, the blue whale, and the Grand Canyon to boot. 

In an effort to encourage this migration away from more mash-ups, Comedy Central's Showbiz Show with David Spade is changing the game to movie trailer re-makes (like this genius one for Jurassic Park), and inviting all you Alfred Hitchcocks of two-minute trailers to submit your low-budget masterpieces for a chance to get it on the show and have David Spade say something smug about it - check it out!

CINEMA'S GOLDEN ERA: What's Really Scary Is That People Actually Like These Movies

Who needs nice weather when you've got movies like these?  Here are the top five you dropped Hamiltons on this week:

1.  Another shi*ty movie making fun of the last year of shi*ty movies makes millions of dollars, thereby guaranteeing even more shi*ty movies - $41 million (that's not a typo)

2.  Who says people don't want to hear about the threat of global warming? - $20 million

3.  Another whip-smart classic from the director of Beverly Hills Ninja, Saving Silverman and National Security - $10 million

4.  Thank god Disney managed to hang on to Pixar - $9.5 million

5.  If a teacher really tried to salsa dance his way into the hearts of troubled inner-city youth, he'd probably get shot in the face - $6.7 million

NOW SCREENING: Just My Luck

Lindsay Lohan's next big movie Just My luck stars the actress as a young Manhattan socialite with great luck who falls in love with a hot guy with terrible luck.  When the two kiss, they swap lucks ala Freaky Friday, and adorableness ensues.

But if you're like me, you need more than this lame synopsis of the film to tide you over till the Movie's May 12th release. Just our luck, I stumbled on a series of Just My Luck film stills and based on every romantic comedy ever made, I was able to predict what actually happens in the movie. Check it out after the jump...

1. As a fashion magazine executive in charge of fashion for magazines in New York, Ashley has it all: A fabulous apartment in New York with stairs...

2. And really pretty friends that are only really concerned with Ashley, Ashely's amazing job in fashion and Ashley's love-life. In fact it's all they talk about.

3. One day while Ashley's shopping in Barney's checking out the "Paris Account"for her fashion bosses, she meets, or rather, bumps into a dashing man, who happens to be the son of the owner of Barneys and a dapper dresser himself. Both share the same quick-witted flirtatious banter and a love of chocolate brown accessories. He can even appreciate the most perfect red dress on a Barney's mannequin (the one she's been eying to buy for the big gala but it's just too expensive.) He's absolutely perfect except...

4. He has awful luck. How does she know? He slips a lot.  Also not pictured:  a taxi cab sprays him with street water, a bird drops poo on his head and a subway door closes just before he gets inside. Of course Ashley is on that subway and as the doors close he misses the chance to get her number.

5. Later that night, Ashley's job as a fashionista in the glamorous world of fashion, takes her to a masquerade ball where all the most important clients are hobnobbing. One of those clients at the party is her Barney's crush, the guy she thought she'd never see again! Of course she doesn't recognize him because he's wearing a hat. Nonetheless she is drawn to his mysteriousness and ends up making out with him on the dance floor, luckily none of her other clients seems to mind. That's when they 'swap' each other's luck.

6. He gets her good luck and she gets his bad luck. Okay, so she doesn't get evicted or loose her job and end up working the streets in exchange for a dime bag and a warm bowl of soup.

But she does manage to flood the bathroom with BUBBLES!

7. She's so upset about her bad luck she refuses to see her one-true-love-destiny-boy. But he persists and bangs down the door when she's having a half-naked pajama party with her bestest friends who want nothing more than to cheer her up.

8. He says it's okay, he doesn't want to come in. He just wants to give her this: THE RED DRESS! The dress she loved at Barney's but she just couldn't afford even though she's one of 10 people with duplex apartments in Manhattan. She is just the luckiest girl in the world her friends say. Wait a minute, is the spell broken? Has her luck finally turned around? 

9. I guess all she had to do to break the spell was fall in love (at the big gala wearing the red dress).

They kiss and he whispers something like, "If this is bad luck, I hope it never goes away" or "I hope my luck never changes" or "Luck be a lady" or I'm the luckiest guy in the world" or  "I lucked out" or "luck you, you lucking lucker."

Roll credits.

And the Oscar For Best Actress In An Exploitative Role Goes To...

Oscar loves nothing more than movie stars flexing their thespian muscles in roles in which they must transform their beautiful selves into human trainwrecks, painstakingly mimicking the speech and behavioral patterns of the disabled, drug-addled, homosexual, mentally ill, plain ugly, etc.  This year some lucky actress gets to add "non-responsive vegetative person who can't speak or move" to this hallowed list of Oscar bait as Hollywood has decided the time is finally right for the Obligatory Terri Schiavo Movie.  You can bet every agent in Tinseltown is on the horn right now, desperately trying to convince the studios that their starlet is the perfect candidate for the role of America's most famous unconscious person.  Here are my picks for the best casting choices:

Sharon Stone
Why Her?  Knowing how Hollywood likes to "sex things up" a bit, what better way to do so than the aging warhorse that is Sharon Stone's genitals?  Just think about all the possibilities for the soon-to-be-infamous "changing the bed pan/legs crossing" scene.

Roseanne Barr

Why Her?  She looks most like Schiavo, she needs the work, and this could be the role America has always wanted to see her in: one in which she doesn't speak.

Paris Hilton
Why Her?  Sure, she's way younger and better looking, but anyone who's seen Paris's infamous sex tape knows she's the best corpse in the biz.  Also, she's trying to get more "serious" roles - if she can be Mother Teresa, why not Schiavo?

Charlize Theron
Why Her? Because she's clearly angling to make a career out of convincing us that she's not beautiful by  constantly covering herself with fat suits and prosthetic ugliness, so this could be her tour-de-force.  She's like the Sir Laurence Olivier of the unattractive.

Philip Seymour Hoffman
Why Him?  Because he's awesome and the dude can pretty much play anything.  I mean, have you SEEN Boogie Nights?

CINEMA'S GOLDEN ERA: Global Warming the Bench

What better way to enjoy the arrival of spring's beautiful weather than spending your weekend crouched in the darkness of your local multiplex.  Here are the top 5 movies you forked over your hard-earned money to see:

1.  Global warming is cute and hilarious so long as it only happens to fuzzy little animals who sound like Ray Romano - $34.5 million

2.  Deuce Bigelow, Joe Dirt and Napoleon Dynamite form a dream-team of unfunniness and pound you over the head for an hour and a half with a big bat made of half-baked fart jokes cut out of Adam Sandler's last movie - $20.5 million

3.  Another movie in which an idealistic teacher must use unconventional methods to get through to violent, unruly inner-city high school students takes the lead opens in third place to mediocre numbers - $12.7 million

4.  Spike, do the right thing and just stop - $9.2 million

5.  If only the movie could be as deliciously clever as the title - a pun AND a number turned over to look like a latter.  Who says Hollywood is out of ideas? - $7.1 million

Paul Scheer: Movie Doctor

What'd you think of Basic Instinct 2? Oh, that's right you didn't see it. Well, neither did the rest of America... except for Paul Scheer that is.

Paul decided to be a nice guy and offer some advice to the folks out there on the left coast to assure that a disaster of this magnitude (9th place open, tied with Larry The Cable Guy) never happens again. Thank God for Paul-- Hollywood would be lost without him.

So read it here. I guarantee you it's more enjoyable than actually watching the movie.

Snakes On A Plane-- For Kids!

Proving once again that there are no original ideas in Hollywood, we present the children's book Busy Busy World, starring Noah the Boa Constrictor.

Blogger Noah Stone-- that's no coincidence, he was named after the snake (seriously)-- has a few pictures from the out-of-print children's book. The book that MUST'VE slipped into the hands of some powerful movie execs who immediately thought, "This is perfect! A snake on a plane! Do you think we can get Samuel L. Jackson to star? What am I saying, of course we can!" The rest is history. [link via Defamer]

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: The Simpsons Movie Trailer

It's not much, but it's better than nothing. Check out The Simpsons The Movie teaser that runs before Ice Age 2. If that's not enough for you, Ain't It Cool News has a Ridiculously Minor Spoiler today. I feel like such a tease, but it's the best I can do. Can't wait for 2K7.

Darkon-- First Look

It's rare that I get excited for a movie based solely on a trailer-- well, except for Basic Instinct 2-- but after seeing the trailer for Darkon, I can NOT WAIT to see this movie.

It's like Braveheart meets... Revenge of The Nerds. And it's real. What more could you possibly ask for?

Watch the trailer here. Then add Darkon as one of your MySpace friends. They currently only have 137 friends... which will seem incredibly appropriate after you watch the trailer. I can't wait for this movie.