Scott Stapp Is The King, and Other Things I've Learned From Celebrity Sex Tapes

You know, when the Kid Rock-Scott Stapp sex tape showed up yesterday and took the World Wide Web (Information Superhighway) by storm, it seemed like every blogger in the world had some kind of sarcastic, "Ugh, I just threw up in my mouth" reaction to the preview clip.  Your first thought might even have been something like, "Gross, I don't want to see this!"  That would be a big mistake.

Personally, I happen to think this has the potential to be the greatest Celebrity Sex Tape yet.  I mean, not since Pam and Tommy's Love Boat have we heard anything as undeniably genius as Stapp's turning to the camera and unironically declaring, "It's good to be the King".

You know, as the lead singer of a Christian band, maybe this is Scott's way of emulating Jesus' controversial decision to hang out with Mary Magdalene, a Biblical woman of ill repute.  Though I definitely don't remember any Bible verses where Jesus says, "It's good to be the King of Kings."

Anyway, this got me thinking about other Celebrity Sex Tapes I've seen, and things I've learned from them...

Starting with Pam and Tommy, I've pretty much seen every significant celebrity sex romp in the world.  Through my extensive research, I have come to the following conclusions:

1.  Celebrities Are Not Good At Sex -- The most profound - and important - realization I've had from watching all the celebrity sex tapes is that famous people are not good in bed. Perhaps the one thing all these clips have in common is the complete awkwardness and lack of sensuality found in the bedroom behavior of the famous.  It's pretty much the "turn on" equivalent of watching a child press naked Barbie dolls together.

2.  Paris Hilton Is Utterly Useless -- When she's not being a brainless, racist, spoiled whore, she's completely contradicting her status as a "sex symbol" by turning in what might be the worst coital performance in the history of human sexuality.

3.  Colin Farrell Is an Idiot -- "How do I love thee's Vagina?  Let me count the ways."  Colin once again proves that drunken Irish men have an undeniable talent for poetry. 

4.  Fred Durst Should Not Be Given Access To a Camera Ever Again -- I never thought anything could be worse than a Limp Bizkit video, until Fred decided to show me his "O" face.

5.  Tom Sizemore Needs to Stop Doing Drugs -- Forget "Just Say No" ads, nothing is a more harrowing reminder of the dangers of drug abuse than watching an overweight has-been do it with hookers, stopping only for more meth and/or Viagra. 

6.  Chyna Might Be a Man --  This is the only sex tape that actually made me feel frightened.  I kept thinking she might jump through the screen, put me into a headlock, and force me to touch her penis. 

7.  Being In a Shitty Metal Bands Means Getting to Have Sex With Hot, But Dumb, Models -- The members of Motley Crue and Poison, along with Pam Anderson and a couple other ex-Playboy models seem to have a real dynasty on the world of celebrity sex tapes.  The funny thing is they're all pretty much the same thing: long-haired dude goes on tropical vacation with unintelligent bombshell and says dumb things between sessions of porn sex. 

8.  R. Kelly Is the Next "Gary Glitter" -- For legal reasons, and in the name of common decency, I can't describe what I saw on this tape, but let's just say I won't be surprised if Kelly spends the twilight years of his career in Cambodia, having illegal sex with underage girls.