Drinking With Dick

Dick Cheney admitted to drinking one beer "hours before" he went hunting with a couple of friends and proceeded to shoot one of them in the face.

Now, generally one beer doesn't do much to most people. However, anybody who's ever attended a sorority mixer, drank with a bunch of high school kids, or funneled a beer in high altitudes while hanging upside down by their ankles off a deck KNOWS that different people handle various amounts of liquor differently. If you're a 65-year-old man with a history of heart problems who probably takes more pills daily than Barry Bonds does over the course of his Spring Training regimen, then I'd say you probably shouldn't risk it. Well, Dick did. And look what happened.

I think we should all breathe a sigh of relief that Mr. Cheney stopped at just one. If you use the formula One Beer = Shoot a Guy In The Face, things get pretty hairy when you extrapolate that to a night out drinking. Don't believe me? Just check this out:

DRINKING WITH DICK CHENEY

One Beer = He Shoots a Guy In The Face

Two Beers =  He Shoots Another Guy In The Face

Three Beers = He Shoots a Guy In The Face, Spends 25 minutes staring at the jukebox debating which Billy Joel song to play (and ultimately going with "Piano Man.")

Four Beers = He buys everybody a round of shots, admits to his friends that he has a problem with Shooting People In The Face

Five Beers = Starts scrolling through his cell phone, openly wonders what his ex-girlfriend is up to.

Six Beers = Calls his buddy W. Makes up stories about how certain people are talking smack about him, and says that if he was the President he wouldn't stand for it. Throws up just a little on his way back from the bathroom.

Seven Beers = Draws up strategy to invade a Middle Eastern nation. Too drunk to come up with an exit strategy; decides it's time to leave the bar because he wants mozzarella sticks before he passes out.

Eight Beers = Calls his ex-girlfriend, leaves her a rambling message. He's really going to regret that one in the morning.

Nine Beers = And he's done. Dick passes out on the White House Lawn. Again. Final tally from the night out drinking? Three people shot in the face, two undercooked orders of mozzarella sticks, one successful declaration of war, one off-key rendition of "Piano Man," and one embarrassing voicemail (and typo-laden text message that he'll discover in the morning) to his ex-girlfriend. All in all, it's what Diamond Dick Cheney would call "a success."