Monday Morning Quick Hits

Joan Rivers stopped by a hospital to celebrate the opening of an elective surgery center. And to see if they were giving away any free samples.

Bruce Willis is offering $1 million to anyone who turns in al-Queda terror leaders. Which is sad, because the old Bruce Willis would've captured them himself.

Gary Sinise has been recruited as national spokesman for the US Disabled Veterans Life Memorial Foundation. The veterans are expected to lose their s*** when they discover that he's not really a lieutenant and that he still has his legs.

And now for a sentence you never wanted to read: Rod Stewart froze his sperm "in case of problems." So if you want his body, and you think he's sexy, just head over to the freezer.

Kathleen Turner pretended to be an alcoholic because she was worried that she wouldn't be able to work in Hollywood if people discovered she had rheumatoid arthritis. Mickey Rourke replies, "Uhh, yeah. Me too."

Coming soon to the small screen: Aquaman. Coming soon to a cheesy magazine: The headline "Something fishy over at the WB!"