Monday Morning Quick Hits

Simon Cowell on his first sexual experience: "I think that seconds might be too long a unit. I just wanted to get her out as quickly as possible so I could tell all my mates I had done it". Hmm.

Mariel Hemingway to star as lesbian secret service agent in new show on the gay TV network. In other news, there's a gay TV network.

Elijah Wood is impressed by the quality of photoshops on the Interweb that show him in homoerotic situations.

Disney signs Patrick Stewart to play Dad in upcoming "Bambi 2". Make it so.

Australian pop star and English glamour model to try to upstage Posh and Beck's over the top wedding, by using a 725-meter long train on her dress and have a lifesize replica of her boobs for the cake.

Paris Hilton insists she has a low sex drive, she gets better traction that way.

Italian rock star performs in front of 200,000. It would have been 200,005, but those 5 decided to just skip straight to robbing his house.

Tom Cruise tricks Jamie Foxx into attending 3-hour Scientology presentation. Foxx relieved that Cruise didn't try the "penis in the popcorn" trick.

Nathan Lane & Matthew Broderick to star in Odd Couple revival. I guess life doesn't move that fast.